Congratulations!

Do you want to call yourselves married? Because, despite the limitations it still strkes me as a civil marriage -- that is, it is a way for two people who are already in a relationship to accomplish some legal niceties. That's all I see my marriage as meaning. Having or not having the legal acknowledgement wouldn't change anything about my relationship with my husband; it would only change our relationship with some legal entities.

And mazel tov. I'd like to think that you let Luna and Albert be the flower girl and ringbearer.

Wilderness is not a luxury but a necessity of the human spirit - Edward Abbey

Best wishes!! I don't know what you should call it--getting joined? coupled? de factoed? partnered? relationshipped?--but whatever it is, may it be an institutionalization made in heaven. (And I wish it could just be called marriage.) Much happiness to you both and to the furry and feathered kids. Have you told Luna?

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Great diary and which brings up so many unanswered questions that need to be addressed and not just on a personal level really.  The only thing I'd take issue with is the fact that this is not a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things...if the grand scheme of things leaves out whole segments of people in the scheme it's not so grand is it.

I'm very happy that you and your partner are 'legal' and protected for the obvious reasons due to the medical/hospital issue and so on.

I always have a hard time writing about why gay people don't have the same equality as heterosexual people because I simply don't understand why all people don't have the equal rights to be themselves and to function in society on the same social and legal basis.

As for any word defining your relationship...I have no idea beyond using the word partner...any relationship where the couple are not equal partners than the relationship isn't what it should be anyway.   All relationships in a certain way should simply refer to the other person as partner instead of the arbitrary words of husband and wife which immediately sets up a male/female concept right away and thus sets an artificial or non-inclusive attitude right off the bat.

I'm probably not explaining that well but that's a start on my thinking.  But I wish we could come up with some cool word to describe all relationships that are committed and make it universally accepted.

'Poverty is the worst form of violence'--Gandhi

Why not say "wedded"?

They burn our children in their wars and grow rich beyond the dreams of avarice

Congratulations to you both!  May your lives be filled with Peace and Happiness.

I, like CI above, find it difficult to understand why the semantics
of the language have such dissonant meanings and conflicting attributes attached to particular words.

In my personal relationships, married and SO, I have never used the defining words of "wife", "girlfriend", "partner" etc.  The person I was sharing my life with already had a name, that is how they were introduced.  What word(s) others chose to define the relationship were, and are, irrelevant.

Relationships are not defined by linguistics. Those who know and care about you will define it in terms that are meaningful to them and respectful to you.

Short answer: call it what you want, don't let other people's associative baggage influence your decision.

Peace and Blessings Keres and Myriad

lTMF'sA...the revolution will not be televised...Peace

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU

Geeze. . .you sure gave me a lot to think about, even in my old age. . .

Having lived through most of the "modern era" herstory of GLBT, I have been to many "gay marriages" all the way from TOO prissy elegant to absolutely hilarious.  No one seemed to care at all that they were/are not legally recognized.  I have been to "Holy Unions" at various churches where the two persons publicly declaring their love, devotion and shared purpose were so joined and recognized in a church by a minister.  I have been the minister that performed such "Unions."  And I have also been one of those people who was "Joined in Holy Union" to another.

And although I understand very clearly your concerns and have sympathy for your questions and feelings about this. . .I sure don't know what the answer is.

I have been to a lovely outdoors in the mountains ceremony where the two guys wrote their the words they spoke to each other and each stood inside of a separate circular wreath of pine boughs lying on the ground and after speaking their loving words to each other stepped together into a third pine bough wreath (lying on the ground)to symbolize their choosing to be partnered and of one purpose.

I have heard many "traditional" type ceremonies, but the most moving are always those that are not traditional in the words that are said but are thoughts straight from the heart with special meaning for those pledging their love and support and lives to each other.

It will be whatever the two of you feel it should be in order to best express your feelings about sharing your lives together. Whatever that looks like and sounds like will be exquisitely and personally yours.

I have access to all manner of "vows" that are not so traditional if you are interested in seeing some of them for ideas or whatever they might add to your plans.

I am very happy for the two of you, and I wish there was a different tradition than the one we have in the hetero world that seems to be so less than fulfilling to you.

Mozul Tov!  And Big Hugs to both of you
Shirl

(I always called my partner, my partner or my spouse.  But truth be known. . .every woman in the world, straight, gay or otherwise NEEDS a wife. . .LOL and just a little frivolity, eh?)


don't miss ~ Matters of Spirit and Expanded Views

Many congratulations to the both of you, your news has made my day.

I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of answers -- but I hope you find that fierce word and when you do, tell me what it is.

As for celebrations, I've always been fond of grand picnic extravaganzas. But that's just me. :) I think  it's true that incorporating some kind of ritual will help focus your celebration and reinforce its significance for your guests.

Refusing to vote for the greater of two evils is not an adequate alibi -- poco
In Flight

Myriad, I'm not able to offer any constructive thoughts on what to call the state that you are entering, but it seems to me that the word 'commitment' has cropped up several times in the comments.  Perhaps you could hold a commitment party?  That's what friends of mine did some years back, though I don't think it was based around any legal status.

Oh, and congratulations on being institutionalised, although hopefully not committed. ;-)

musings of a bureaucrat

May you and Keres have many years of love and happiness. I think you should throw that party and celebrate in style with your family and friends. Even though the conversation upthread is intensely interesting, I'm on my first coffee and am barely past the grunting stage.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.- Thomas Jefferson

That's so fantastic. Celebrate in whatever manner is best for you, but absolutely celebrate!! You both are worthy and deserving a day honoring your relationship/"institutionalization"/partnerdom. :<)

I celebrate every birthday and anniversary, 'cuz to me, they are MUCH better than the opposite. But wanna know how I celebrated my birthday last year? We went bowling.

Nothing fancy, but I damned sure celebrated.

You wouldn't share this news if it wasn't important. Celebrating it shows how important it is to you and the circle of family (I include friends in that definition) who loves, cares and supports you. This is not about having a nice party for them--unless you're an event planner, parties you throw are about you, not them.

You are celebrating the love you have for each other and how you choose to express it. How sweet it is, esp. in the face of so much BS.

Can't hear ya, Peach!

Congratulations - and make sure you do celebrate publicly somehow: that's rather the point of traditional marriage anyway, to make the pairing  official (plus all the property rights). Underneath all the accreted legal nonsense is a basic wish to celebrate, announce and acknowledge that to our tribe.

I think you'd get away with a formal invitation along the lines of "We invite you to celebrate the joining of Keres and Myriad" omitting the "in holy matrimony" bit that's stuck on the end. It's possibly easier to do with a formal invitation rather than casually.

Marriage is something that happens in the hearts of two people, quite independently of legal contracts and even religious ceremonies.

There are man-woman couples who divorce despite all that, and couples of all kinds whom nothing will separate, whether they have any of that or not.

As Nag says, throw that party, and celebrate what is in your hearts.

And be sure to visit the jeweler, to buy your lady a celebratory gift :) Or if you are both resolutely not the jewelry type, buy her chocolate. From Swizterland.

one man's conspiracy is another man's business plan
Blog updated as needed

So I leave it up to you to decide whether you want to take a break from reading about how to save the world and what from, and read about something small.

Something small? What are you talking about? Why would anyone want to save the world except so that others can enjoy these small things you're talking about. In the long run it's a lot more important than the filthy carry on of a crowd of crooks.

Congratulations!  I believe that you should not hesitate to have some kind of party to celebrate your commitment to each other. (assuming that both of you are in agreement.)  The word unite seems appropriate and carries somewhat limited baggage.  I suppose that it would be cumbersome though to describe it as a celebration of our uniting.

Fear will keep the local systems in line. -Grand Moff Tarkin Survivor Left Blogistan

Echoing the congrats stuff from above, and great diary -- this is, to me, one of the more interesting mental exercises, since I spend rather a lot of time helping the folks fighting for marriage equality while I personally have no desire ever, ever to have a "marriage". That's the thing -- I think what you're getting at is about a lot more than just language, but goes into the whole hetero/gendered power structure that surrounds our cultural "marriage" institution... correct me please, if I'm wrong.

Going into a bit of a side note on the whole thing:

I honestly don't think there's a right answer to "what are we?".

My girlfriend (Cara) and I have been together for 4 years now, we are domestically partnered (largely because of health insurance/legal stuff), and we both have this very strange relationship with the idea of marriage -- because to us, there's so much cultural baggage in it that we don't want. Which means that for us, we tend to try to avoid even placing our relationship within the same framework in as many ways as are possible.

But that gets complicated, because most of the world (and to say it doesn't affect us would be stupid) certainly does define all relationships through a certain framework of "steps"... with marriage and everything that goes with it as one of those steps, and in this case, ceremony as a step as well. The degree to which you choose to take each of those pieces on or reject them is entirely up to you -- and the language that you choose is hard to balance between your own concept of what you are and the social needs/expectations of those around you.

I guess the overall point, to me, is that every queer relationship has to negotiate this stuff individually as it goes -- depending on the desires both socially and personally of the people involved. And I personally    think that's a terrific thing -- bear in mind that when you are forced to make up your own structure, you tend to put a lot more thought into how you want it to work. Straight people, by and large, never have to do this work, since they have a convenient default that they usually seldom question (overgeneralization, please note) and IMO they tend to be a lot worse off for it in the long run.

Whatever language and definitions for it you wind up building for yourselves, please be proud of it, and remember that while it's more difficult to have to build the definition from scratch, it's also far, far more likely to avoid winding up stifling and scripted.

I want the public acknowledgment, and I want it to be accorded naturally, not have it be something that feels in anyway forced or contrived on anyone, including me, us.

That's a long way off, IMO, but a constant battle to fight -- one we will win, in the long run. This is one price, so far as I can tell, of having the freedom of definition that I babbled about above. The trick to me is to try to keep the freedom when it's wanted without keeping the public/social acknowledgement out of reach.

Throw yourselves a hell of a party. Whatever you decide to call it or make it represent. The people who get it will get it, and the people who don't won't. Make it yours.

Woo, not enough coffee. Sorry that got so long, rambly, and peripheral.

Congratulations to you both.  The weird thing about marriage is that it involves more than two - the state is always a part of it.  So when one goes to the hospital, the state says you get to make decisions on her behalf.  Same for testifying in court.  The state stands with you and defends your rights as a couple.  It's a good thing.

Now about that word search - how about 'my pet' or our fave 'my dahh-ling' no need to define it any further.

All the best to you all and especally a  crunchy kiss for the gorgeous Luna.  

to everyone who answered here. The good wishes and thoughtful responses are very much appreciated. Thank you. It means a lot, and I've found it very cathartic and cheering. Thank you. :-)

We really like the idea of a picnic; we already know that whatever we do there will be a strictly casual dress code (and mandatory flannel pyjamas for anyone who turns up looking too smart!). Still not sure how we'll navigate the whole vow/ceremony bit, other than wanting to run away from it, so perhaps that's the answer. ;-)

If we come up with a good word, I'll let you know.

That's if I can get Keres to concentrate and stop drooling over the tool porn - AndiF!!

"this just can't get more disturbing!" - Willow