I don't care what you say -- get in th way of my V-6 minivan and your dead meat buddy.

Obama is a Patriot

never, ever get in the way of a moving vehicle.
Man bashed for crossing street too slowly.

a scene in Berkeley, at the intersection of Telegraph and Bancroft.

Several fire engines, sirens blaring, had made their difficult way down the narrow and always congested Telegraph Ave. They reached Bancroft, where Telegraph ends. There they stood for an ungodly time, blasting their horns along with their sirens, trying to get to the fire or whatever life-threatening situation they'd been called to, while streams of pedestrians -- college students and Berkeley locals -- strolled insouciantly, and to all appearances obliviously, in front of them.

(Admittedly, back then all Berkeley Fire Department vehicles -- probably due to some wag in the local government -- had "BFD" painted on them. That does interfere with being taken seriously. Also, that's the West Coast; make of that what you will, which, if you're an East Coaster, is likely to be too much.)

You are totally disregarding the time-honored point system!

Old man in a crosswalk, crossing with light 10 points
Old man in a wheelchair in a crosswalk, crossing with light, 25 points
Old woman in a cross walk, crossing with light, 30 points
Old woman in a wheelchair, crossing with light in a crosswalk, 35 points
Young woman alone in crosswalk, 10 points
Young man in crosswalk, 5 points
Woman in crosswalk crossing with light with baby in stroller, 40 points.
Young woman in crosswalk with baby in stroller holding toddler by hand, 75 points.
Teenager on bike in crosswalk 50 points
Teenager on skateboard in crosswalk 60 points
Toddler on tricycle in crosswalk 200 points
Dog in crosswalk, crossing with light, 45 points
Cat in crosswalk, crossing with light, 2 points
Any degraded jaywalker, 100 points, no holds barred.
Squirrels 20 points
Rabbits 15 points
Kittens 25 points
Puppies 24 points
Armadilloes 90 points
Turtles 300 points
Froggies (in a hoard) 1,000 points

Hardee har har.

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN METRO DETROIT

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels.

Turn signals will give away your next move.  A real Detroit driver never
uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Michigan is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have
anything to lose.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS
kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates.  For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your
legs.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass
the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Detroit look high-tech and
to distract you from seeing the Troy police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.  It's a good way to
scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn't mean that a Detroit driver flashing his high beams behind you
doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
traffic in Detroit.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape keeps the
existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews
something to clean up.

Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pick-up
truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy
logo.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Detroit is the home of high-speed slalom driving
thanks to MDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't move the
instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

Never take a green light at face value.  Always look right and left before
proceeding.

Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.

Real Detroit women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Real Detroit men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five
miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Heavy snow, ice, fogs, and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a
natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle
sales.  After all, this is the "motor city" and we do have our priorities.

The problem with these approaches is that sometimes the driver gets out of the car  

A problem for the DRIVER not the pedestrian.  Remember, if you try to hit a pedestrian and MISS, they are now jacked full of adrenalin.  The moment you step out of your car you have given away your weapons advantage, and in the ensuing fight you will lose.  

Bystanders won't help you, either.  They will probably laugh.  

I had a friend who claimed that he would continue using the crosswalk if someone was parked in it, especially if they were honking at him. He would, if possible, climb up onto the hood of a car, still within the white lines, continue walking, jump down off the hood and continue on his way.

He claimed that he actually once opened the rear door of a car that was parked across a zebra crossing, crawled through the back seat, and exited out the door on the other side.

This friend once took a nasty spill on a motor scooter while not wearing a helmet. I suspect this had something to do with his behavior, although he was by no means what you'd call normal before the accident. He's the kind of guy who, rather than suffer from brain damage, actually rather enjoyed it.

The avalanche has started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. -- Ambassador Kosh

So the next time you fly into a homicidal rage at the site of pedestrians crossing the street legally

Actually I've been a pedestrian for most of the past decade and I've regularly hit cars who tried to hit me.  I've hit them with my fist with my umbrella and with my steel toed boots.  If I had been carrying a gun I probably would've shot a few as well.

The last commenter is right, the driver is a fool to exit his/her vehicle.  

Unless you ARE the fire department, where exactly do you all need to be getting to in such a damn hurry anyway?

Forget me.. I can tell you the day you run over a child who has darted out in the road is the day you will cease to be in such a rush all the rest of your days.

Pax

Night and day you can find me Flogging the Simian

You forgot to mention the pedestrians who don't bother to  even look at the WALK/DON'T WALK signs and blithely throw their carcasses in front of the oncoming traffic.  Try driving in Brooklyn or Queens, where a considerable portion of the population doesn't seemt to feel that they bear any responsibility for their not becoming a traffic statistic.  Personally, I really hate letting some of them go on to breed, because they are too stupid to live.

Re, the comments about some cars stopping into the pedestrian walk zones, I would point out that some municipalities do not have very long yellow lights.  Take NYC for example.  The NYC DOT seems to have determined that about one-(1) second is sufficient for yellow warning lights on their traffic signals.  Even if you're traveling at about 15 mph in an urban residential area and arrive at a traffic signal that changes to yellow at the last moment (about fifty feet from the intersection), you've got that one second to notice the light, react by braking and bring the car to a halt.  Unlike suburban areas, you don't have the luxury of fifteen- or twenty-second yellow lights to avoid winding up in the pedestrian cross zones.  Also, you don't want me to get going about pedestrians who are too lazy to walk the five feet necessary to get into the pedestrian walk zones but insist on walking into your car.  Too. Stupid. To. Live.